Behind The Stake: Episode 1
by ChosenTwentyFirstCentury
Summary: A spoof version of a behind the scenes look at Buffy


Behind the Stake Episode 1:  
The Lesbian Menace  
Takes place a year after the show ended so summer 2004

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer exclusive.

A short time ago,  
In a city which saw many, many celebrities.

The cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel meet to discuss the ever growing resistance inside the Mutant Enemy Alliance.  
A select few make the journey to the planet Earth,  
to the City of Angels.  
Where the will confront each other in a bitter war that will split the ranks.  
Hoping to diffuse the situation the Studio Executives send in a studio audience, to make profit for this war

Featuring interviews from;

Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy)  
Nicholas Brendon (Xander)  
Alyson Hannigan (Willow)  
Anthony Head (Giles)  
Emma Caulfield (Anya)  
Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn)  
Amber Benson (Tara)  
James Marsters (Spike)  
David Boreanaz (Angel)  
Kristine Sutherland (Joyce)  
Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia)  
Alexis Denisof (Wesley)  
Robia LaMorte (Jenny)  
Mercedes McNab (Harmony)  
D.B Woodside (Robin Wood)  
And  
Joss Whedon (Creator)

Please don't anyone take this seriously! I was just having some fun. I know it's not smart, but it's just a whole lotta fun. PS I love Amber Benson she is great. You'll see what I mean J

NARRATOR;  
We go under the covers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, talk to cast members who tell of the truth about the show's scandal, pregnant dog-fights, blackmail and why the show really ended. Come with us now as we go BEHING THE STAKE

OPENING CREDITS START WITH BUFFY THEME TUNE OVER ARGUMENT

WE SEE A STUDIO FULL OF PEOPLE INCLUDING THE CAST MEMBERS. AMBER IS IN A SECRET ROOM OUT BACK FOR HER OWN PROTECTION

NARRATOR;  
Buffy began in 1997 and was the brainchild of Joss Whedon. The show gathered a cult following and critical acclaim the show went from strength to strength and made household names of it's stars.

JOSS;  
The show was a sequel to the movie, which needless to say didn't do very well at all. I was severly out of pocket and needed to make some money quickly as I was facing bankruptcy. So I decided to open up a healing wound and make a Buffy TV series and pitched it to some networks. All but one rejected it; the WB fell for it hook, line and sinker. I was back in business!

SARAH;  
I was finishing another programme at the time and went to an audition for a Joss Whedon show. When I got the part I was overwhelmed by the end of the first season I wanted more, needed more. But the truth is I was (beep)ing trapped for seven years in this (beep)ing (beep)hole!

ALYSON;  
Sarah never got the part by audition. She slept with Joss for crying out loud I heard she was a right little (beep)!

NICHOLAS;  
I was common knowledge around the set. There was extreme sexual tension between Sarah and Joss and then in Season 4 between Anthony and Sarah.  
That's why the (beep) got a payrise and the rest of us got (beep)all.

DAVID;  
We all thought the show was going to flop and to be (beep)ing honest most of us were hoping it. And even when it did get another season I only had a 3-year contract while the other (beep)ers had 7 years left to go.

AMBER;  
I never really watched the show, I thought it was poorly written and acting and it was a load of (beep) and no body gave a (beep) about it. But in 1999 I got so (beep)ing wasted that I signed on the dotted line with (beep)ing thinking. I was a stupid (beep)!

RUPERT;  
I think I was the only one who was in it for the fun of it. Oh who the (beep) am I kidding? I wanted money! Charisma and me were in it for the money.

CHARISMA;  
Oh totally I wanted the money. (beep) the show they were all a bunch of (beep)ers. Especially Sarah. That (beep) stole my hair straightners.

SARAH;  
The only thing I stole from you was $56 out of your paycheck. Ya brazen hussy.

AMBER;  
I think we should all calm down and have some chicken. Ye can go out and get ye're own this is my chicken I cooked it with my own flesh and blood. Where do ye think I got the skin? Amber-licious!

JAMES;  
I actually wanted to have to have sex with you

AMBER;  
Darn Tootin' br  
ALYSON;  
I'll admit it to you now. You were so attractive. Most of the cast were making were doing you up the ass. But you couldn't fell it you fat (beep).

ROBIA;  
I was killed to make room for your fat ass

AMBER;  
Your fat ass was killed two seasons before me. I may be big but I'm not as big as 2 (beepin)ing seasons

KRISTINE;  
Oi you Sarah.

SARAH;  
Now, you know you did just talk to me like that.

KRISTINE;  
I'll talk to you however the (beep) I want. You little (beep) I played your mother for 5 (beep)ing years and one my last day, you decide that it would be funny to throw horse (beep) on my car!

EMMA;  
Well me, Michelle.T and Amber (beep)ed in your water machine.

ALL FIGHT AT ONCE AND A CHAIR IS THROWN BY ONE OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS (WHO LOOKS STRANGLEY LIKE AMBER WITH A WIG ON) AND HITS D.B WOODSIDE. WHO IS KNOCKED OUT COLD.

NARRATOR;  
Come back after the break to hear more of these shocking truth stories.

AMBER;  
… take that ya' All-Singing, Al-dancing black mother(beep)er!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

NARRATOR;  
Thanks for coming back. Next we asked them who has the reputation as the 'village bike'.

ANTHONY;  
Kristin Sutherland and Alexis Denisof. They offered it on a plate to every one!

AMBER;  
Are you ignoring me?

ANTHONY;  
What? No. Who the (beep) asked you?

AMBER;  
Are you saying I need to diet?

ALYSON;  
Amber you seriously need to take a chill pill!

AMBER;  
You calling me a Drug addict?

JAMES;  
I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

AMBER;  
(beep) this!!

WALKS OUT AND HITS MERCEDES WITH A VODKA WISKEY BOOTLE

AMBER;  
Drink this you (beep)ing (beep) (beep) (beep)er! Scotch on the (beep)ing rocks! Just the way ye like it!

MERCEDES IS CARRIED OUT BY SECURITY THE CAMERAS GO OFF AND READ "Sorry we are having technical difficulties" br 2 MINS LATER  
THE CAMERAS ARE BACK. WE SEE AMBER WITH A WIRE PLUGGING IN THE OTHER CAMERAS

AMBER;  
Don't take me off air again. You (beep)ing sheep(beep)er.

WE NOTICE SERVERAL PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE AND ON STAGE LYING MOTIONLESS

DAVID GETS UP TO LEAVE. SARAH STANDS UP

SARAH;  
You better sit yo' ass back down

DAVID;  
I've had enough of this (beep). Pay me my 15K. I'm leaving

AMBER;  
Who's Leaving ME?

ALYSON;  
Get the (beep) outta here. I'll get the nuggets

RED LIGHTS COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF SIRENS GO OF. EVERYBODY GETS OUT OF THEIR SEATS RUNNIG FOR THE EXIT INCLUDING THE CAST. ALL EXCEPT FOR ALYSON AND AMBER

ALYSON COMES BACK WITH A WHEELBARROW FULL OF BURGER KING CHICK NUGGETS.

AMBER;  
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

ALYSON;  
Holy (beep)!

AMBER'S CLOTHES BUST THE HAIR TURNS BLACK HER SKIN THE COLOUR OF FRIED BATTER (to match in with her surroundings)  
SHE TURNS IN TO A GIANT AMBER, MUCH LIKE THE NUTTY PROFESSOR DID

AMBER;  
Nuggs I (beep)ing love nuggets. WHERE ALY??

AMBER EATS THE WHOLE THING AND WALKS CLOSER TO ALYSON

ALYSON;  
Holy (beep)!

AMBER PICKS UP SPEED

ALYSON;  
Holy (beep)! Holy (beep)! HOLY (BEEP)!!!!!

AMBER PICKS ALYSON UP AND PUTS HER BETWEEN HER LEGS

AMBER;  
Amber like play-thing  
Can 'ickle Willy find big Terrie?

MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE CAST MEMBERS SPEED UP THE ROAD  
AS FAST A POSSIBLE. WE SEE KRISTINE'S CAR IS AGAIN COVERED IN nuts. ONLY THIS TIME IT WAS AMBER.

AMBER;  
(WHO IS SQUATTING WHILE RUNNING AFTER THE CAR)  
The (beep) really hit fan this time!

AMBERS KNICKERS FLY OFF HER AND LAND ON A NEARBY DRIVE THRU.THEN AMBER'S nuts HITS KRISTINE'S CAR AGAIN. IT FLIES OF THE CAR AND HITS THE CAMERA  
THE CAMERA CAN'T SEE. IT'S A BLANK SCREEN

ALYSON;  
Holy (beep)!

END CREDITS ROLE


End file.
